When Laura asked Jada to lunch, it seemed their friendship was about to get back on track. They chatted until the waiter brought their food, then Laura changed the subject.
“I asked you to have lunch with me because there is something I want to discuss with you. I’ve been asked to head up a community fundraiser and I need someone to handle publicity. The job would involve contacting local media, arranging interviews, and making sure the press spotlights the event. Although I’m not sure you’re the best person for the job, after all, you don’t have the social skills of most of my friends, I’m offering you the job. You’d be totally responsible for this effort. If you don’t stay on top of things, it will make a lot of extra work for me and jeopardize the success of the fundraiser, so don’t accept the job unless you’re sure you’re capable. I really have concerns about whether you can handle the job, but I discussed it with my committee and they told me to ask you, so I am.”
Jada stared at Laura. Her mind whirled. What did you say to someone who asked you to take a position and insulted you at the same time?
“Give me a few days to think about it...pray about it,” Jada finally managed to mumble.
In the days that followed, as she replayed Laura’s words in her mind, a tiny flame ignited inside Jada. Like a match to dry kindling, the spark of anger grew into a roaring fire. Jada forgot to pray about the situation as the inferno of anger consumed her.
The next time Jada saw Laura, she screamed her answer. “You can forget about my help with the fundraiser. I wouldn’t work for you if my life depended on it!”
Jada stomped away. Those standing nearby wondered what had prompted such an angry outburst from an otherwise calm, quiet woman.
Know the Sources of Anger
Jada’s anger stemmed from several sources. Laura offended her by excluding her from activities, but still using her when she needs help. Anything positive the offered job might have caused Jada to feel was immediately negated by Laura’s assertions that Jada was incapable. Compounding the insult was Laura’s implication that the only reason she asked Jada to take the job was because others prompted her to.
You really can’t minimize anger until you know the sources of your anger. Take time to discover the motivating factors behind anger. Knowing the root of your anger can help you work through it.
Here are some sources of anger:
• Offense – Offense takes many different forms, from outright meanness, to gossip, to insults, teasing, or bullying. No matter what the type of offense, once the hurt grows, anger usually flares.
• Exclusion – None of us enjoy feeling left out, and being ignored or excluded from activities or groups causes hurt, which leads to anger. When you’re left out, it’s a blow to self-esteem. We immediately start wondering what’s “wrong” with us. Instead, ask yourself if you really want to be associated with the person or group that is excluding you and why it’s important to you. Make an honest assessment. Then shift your focus to gaining your identity and self-worth from who you are in Christ—a dearly loved son or daughter of the King.
• Embarrassment – One of my high school classmates used to delight in embarrassing me. She twisted anything I said to make me look like a fool. Eventually, I was afraid to talk around her because I knew she’d rearrange anything I said. I harbored a simmering anger toward her until I finally realized she embarrassed me because it gave her a sense of control and drew attention to her. Once viewed from this perspective, I realized she embarrassed me in an attempt to feel better about herself. My anger lessened.
• Abandonment – Our world is full of those who have been abandoned. Feelings of abandonment may occur following divorce, when a friend lets you down, or someone we trust fails to protect us. While insecurity may be the initial reaction, anger often brews.
• Envy – The Bible records numerous stories of envy as a motivating factor for actions. Jealousy is an emotion that fuels anger, but often we don’t take time to analyze this emotion and discover it is the root of anger. When you feel envious, stop and think about all the ways God has blessed you. Then realize God chooses to bless each of us differently.
Preventing Anger
1) Understand personal anger triggers – All of us have “hot button” issues that cause an immediate angry response. Mine are feeling excluded or embarrassed. If you take time to analyze and know your personal “hot buttons,” you’ll be better prepared to diffuse anger.
2) Wait to respond– Often the best thing to do when someone or something makes you angry is to simply walk away without speaking or acting. While this may seem like the coward’s way out, stepping away from a volatile situation is the most courageous and wise thing you can do. It shows a great deal of maturity and self-control and requires you to lean on God for strength.
3) Think from another point of view– While difficult to do, get in the habit of thinking about situations from the other perspective. What is the other person feeling? What is the motivating factor for her actions?
4) Confess anger – Tell God about your anger and allow him to help you process it. It’s not always necessary to tell the person with whom you’re angry because they may feel they’ve done nothing to cause your anger and that may result in a bigger rift between you. At some point, you have to decide whether to forgive the offender. Harboring anger and resentment toward someone doesn’t fix anything or punish the other person. You are the only one who is hurt by continued anger. Anger affects your relationship with God and others and prevents you from being open and receptive to God’s voice.
None of us can totally eliminate anger from our lives because anger is a God-given emotion. But the Bible makes it clear that we need to deal with anger and not allow it to rule us (Ephesians 4:26). If anger is controlling your life, stop now and pray, asking God to help you begin the process of changing your perspective on anger.
Candy Arrington is a contributing writer.
